How to be like Don Corleone (The Godfather)

*walks around with laptop and internet connection on head, speaks with an igbo accent* Come read ogbonge blog for here oh! This one na original! This one no be fake at all at all!! If you read am, you go belle full, you no go chop for house again!!! Come read ogbonge blog ohh!!!

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So I just watched “The Godfather” for the first time, and I’m not going to brand myself a “Lastma Official”, because I’m sure many people haven’t even heard about the franchise before, and I have read the book. Some people haven’t even seen the Lord of The Rings before, that is just terribly wrong mehn. They need to be baptized in an Ijebu garri river, and then ijebu-garri-boarded. This is why I should be hired in Guantanamo Bay…

Anyway, I really love the Don Corleone character, he’s simply one of the best characters of all time. Marlon Brando, rest his soul, was simply fantastic! In fact, he has inspired me to write this post, for all you Don Corleone wannabees. So soak it in, let it marinate and then maybe you can be a Godfather too….not in my town though.

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I didn’t write obvious ones like never fart loudly in public or buy boli or fried fish while people are watching; you can figure those ones out. Here goes:

Have something traumatic happen to you in your childhood: When Vito Andolini was 9 years old, evil (Mojo Jojo) Don Ciccio killed his father for no good reason, and then killed his brother Paulo so he wouldn’t revenge. A truly loving and concerned mother Vito’s mum was, she went on to beg the Don with Vito. This Don didn’t chill oh, he still wanted to kill little Vito. The mumsy now did Nikita tinz with a knife and all in a bid to save Vito. She died, and Vito escaped. Someone helped him migrate to America. And when he came of age, went on to do some hara-kiri style slicing of the stupid Don. If something this traumatic happened to you when you were small, I’m really sorry mehn. But look on the “bright side”; you can totally become a Don. If it didn’t, well you can definitely still try, but no advantage for you, sorry.

Take a logic and philosophy class: I didn’t see too much of the quote “Never make threats, always reason with people” in the movie, but it appeared plenty times in the book. The guy liked to “reason” with people, you know, talk things out. Make people “an offer they can’t refuse”, which is just a euphemism for passive-aggressive behaviour. The best way to be good at this is to take logic and philosophy classes so you can reason like him. For example, if all Ibadan girls like wearing “pata ewekoro”, and Risi is an Ibadan girl, then it follows that she likes wearing the said pata. Risi, you go girl! I’m terribly sorry if your name is Risi and you happen to be reading this, perhaps I have made you famous.

Learn Italian, speak good eloquent English: The first part of this one isn’t entirely necessary, unless you like to be thorough. Chances are you will never get to speak the Italian to people here; they will all just be dumbfounded. But if you can speak Ijebu Yoruba, then you’re in luck! They’re very similar, just infuse some of the Italian accent in it and you can speak Yoruba and still sound a lot like the Don! The Don could also speak good English, so you might want to work on that too. Ibadan people should take special note on this one…oops I did it again.

Talk like there is yam in your mouth: hehehehehehe…that’s how Don Vito talked yo! It was like his upper lip was skewed upward. It was funny, he kinda sounded like The Dream, LooL! You can practice by putting yam in your mouth and then talking. The yam might be hot but just bear the pain, it’s worth the struggle. They laugh at you now but soon people would be putting hot asaro in their mouths too 🙂 Once you’re used to it, then you’re good to go!

Never wear a bulletproof vest, don’t die when you’re shot 5 times in the back: He’s a Don, he didn’t need no vest mehn! He could walk around freely and everything would be aite…well not exactly. Some punks went on to shoot the Don. Poor Don, he was very sharp though. He quickly realised and made a run for his car, probably what saved his life. 5 or 6 shots mehn, I know 50-cent supposedly took a couple of bullets too but come on, the Godfather was like 60something! He did very good, we love you Don Vito.

Do people favours, and never forget for the sake of reciprocity: yep, always help people so they can help you back. That way you build alliances, and you become more powerful. It’s a no-brainer really.

Always wear a suit, and always look good…well most times: He wore really nice suits. Very dapper too. It’s a good way to look exhibit confidence and respect. Always dress good!

If you have more, you’re very free to pitch it in by commenting on the post. The truth is I’ve left The Godfather for you folks so I can be like Tony Stark! What can I say, he has more money and a suit that can fly and shoot stuff. Who can beat that?!

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Ibrahim Snowden

You might be living under an igneous rock if you haven’t heard anything about PRISM and Edward Snowden. You don’t even need to read an article about it to know what it is about, it’s making a buzz everywhere dude! In case you haven’t, the long and short of it is that the NSA is spying on Americans by monitoring phone and internet records. It’s like The Bourne Trilogy and Scandal coming to life! I guess for Americans it might be despicable and flagrantly repugnant. But for me it’s exciting…no it’s not really exciting but it’s interesting nonetheless! It’s the conspiracy theorists dream, LooL! It even got me thinking…the word thinking suits me well, you know, thin “king” 🙂

 So it got me thinking, what if this is all figured out by these authors? I’ll explain. I’ve watched a few shows with stuff like this in them, and shows are basically acted screenplay. What if the people that write all this stuff know about all this secret stuff happening? What if there are more stories in novels and other kinds of books that are meant to appear like fiction but actually happen and we don’t even know it?! That’s crazy stuff!!

An example is the Game of Thrones. I watched “The Arrivals”, that illuminati video stuff, and the hype behind it was big back then. It was supposed to reveal a lot of truths. I thought some of the stuff in it was maybe a bit ludicrous. However I do remember that they claimed that it was common for incest to take place in royal families. Like the royal family of Britain. Game of Thrones is kinda based in Britain. What if, that stuff in Game of Thrones with Cersei and Jaime hooking up, giving birth to Jeoffrey who is currently King, what if it’s really happening? I know it’s not stuff that can blow up but I hope it’s not true, because that is really messed up. But what do I care, I’m not even British! I wish I was though…

The list is definitely not endless, I’m not the biggest fan of hyperbole 🙂 ! But it’s plenty. Think about it. There’re vampires, Aliens, Superheroes, these ones are less probable but maybe it’s with this quick dismissal that our minds are clouded. What if on some level, all these things exist and are being kept secret from all of us? I’m going to go ahead and strike out vampires now because my religious views maintain that every soul shall taste death…..but wait, Vampires die na! At least they do in the Vampire Diaries (before you call me names (like gaylord), I’ve stopped watching it)….but people can’t leave without a soul….argh forget it!!

I guess Iron-Man might be a feasible superhero. It is possible that technology has taken us that far. It would be really cool if there was really an Iron Man and he was kickass and cocky too. We can use him to battle Boko Haram and the Taliban and tidying up things in Syria and Palestine! Batman too is feasible I guess. Only thing is, he’s not too happy. I like my superheroes happy!

If I were to be a superhero, I want my power to be the ability to turn amala into ice cream. You might think this is crazy, but I believe it can be very useful…for me. Like when I’m at home and mum makes amala. Now I don’t hate the meal, but I’m not big about it either. If you eat something long enough you get used to it. Imagine if I could just turn the amala into a nice ol’ sundae, or chocolate ice cream?! Maybe turn the stew into cream and leave the meat like that. That would be awesome! The bad part is that it might also make me diabetic.

I’m guessing perhaps you expected me to talk about my take on the whole PRISM and Edward Snowden issue. LooL I’m sorry this really isn’t about that. I can however say one or two things about it. I do think that it is a sensitive issue, and it can be considered from different angles. Sure it’s not right to spy on people all in the name of security, but when you leave ethics aside, security is a very important issue. I’m also sure the people that monitor all the phone records and other data don’t really care about the little things that constitute the lives of millions of Americans, except that they are looking out for them. Still it is bad. I hope my equivocation has served its purpose by communicating that I really don’t have an opinion about the whole thing. But it doesn’t matter, I’m not American! I also don’t wish I was but it won’t entirely suck…

What I believe..

I think it’s important to stand for something you believe in. Not something utterly ridiculous or depraved, but it can be something nobody else around you understands. The world works in such a way that people rarely make decisions of their own. They think they do, but their subconscious is always yielding to some norm or “general behaviour”, and I think there are scientists that believe that there isn’t such a thing as “free will”. There are studies and experiments, but I can’t articulate now.

When you stand for something that you believe in, it’s like you’re fighting that power, and that would definitely make your mind stronger, in a way. You can experience ambition, drive, determination, and people can mock you all they want, because “ridicule is the price of ambition (Sharma)”. But by being resolute, you become a better, stronger individual, and I’ve heard that chicks dig that, which is cool, because that’s one less reason to be a misogynist. Some call themselves “sapiosexuals”, and I find that hilarious. Why put a label on it? Put a ring on it instead haha..

A common mistake I think people fall into is substituting this for bigotry and obstinacy. Your belief in something shouldn’t make you narrow/small – minded. Our beliefs must constantly be tested and re-evaluated so they become better and we learn more. Nobody can really learn when he/she engages only in discussions with people that share the same views with him or her. You can’t become a better fighter by picking only the battles with opponents you can beat….that analogy sounds off….anyway…True learning can only occur when discourse is held between people that hold disparate views. They share them, argue back and forth, and even though sometimes this turns out to be useless and even violent, really intelligent people gain immensely. We were created differently, so everybody can’t have the same opinion or mindset.

I hate, like really really really hate it when I see people attack others verbally or otherwise because they express an opinion that they strongly disagree with. It’s very savage and ignorant behaviour. I’m not cool with abortions, but I’m not going to insult someone who doesn’t have a problem with them. I also won’t make derisive comments about atheists, even if they do that to theists like me. People really need to chill yo…I’m saying yo too much…

How do you form beliefs and principles? Like most other things that matter, by starting with something small and basic and evolving it over time. Sometimes you have to throw something you have believed in for a long time away and it can hurt like hell but that’s how we establish stronger ones. Refraining from that would ultimately make one a bigot, and as I have clearly explained earlier, that isn’t cool…

*yawn* boring…

Rambunctious Fart

I heard that if you don’t write anything in a while you might lose some of your writing skills (powers). If that is true, then I am pretty messed up at the moment. Did writer’s block just cross your mind? Writer’s block is for pansies and wimps, and since I am not one of those, I don’t have writer’s block. At least I don’t think I do. Do you know a writing doctor that can proffer a reasonable diagnosis? Do you like Japanese Zobo?….

I think the “problem” is (not a problem) that I just don’t feel like. I think it’s pointless. Even if I felt the need to enlighten people, nobody wants to be enlightened. If I wanted to express and share an opinion or a view of a particular matter, the efforts in articulation would also amount to little, as nobody cares about your opinion if you’re not important and it’s not worth it. These shouldn’t be the only reasons I should write here, but well, I guess I’m just not motivated. And it’s seriously okay, I am totally 100% fine with that. I’m just here because I don’t want to lose my writing powers.

I wonder what there is to write about tonight. If you have read a few of my post, you might know that I don’t feel the need to give a blogpost of mine a title that correlates with the topic because that might feel restrictive. I just let my imagination run wild with titling. I think I particularly like this one, “Rambunctious fart”! I’ve been throwing a couple of those recently. The flatulence has been a bit embarrassing  L and oddly fun at the same time. Farts have an enormous therapeutic effect. Hopefully Ramadan fasting would help alleviate this issue…

My major problems haven’t changed since the last time I wrote a post (yaay?). If you are nice enough to feign a little interest in them, you can check my last post, titled Cauliflower. I think they are generic and a lot of people experience them at some point or the other. Many people never resolve them till they die. I am glad though, because I think I’m gaining some insight as to the nature and the peculiarities of the manifestation of my issues. I’m getting to understand why the thing that is wrong with me is wrong with me. I’m still deep in the rot, but I know that when I’m up to it, by Allah’s grace I’ll get out of it. I didn’t do that by talking to friends. Or maybe I did. Well it was probably a friend that listened.

I don’t know where all my money is going. A theory might be that one demonic mami-water is doing some mean magic spell on me that is causing me to buy her waterproof Louboutins and Chanel bags. As frugal as I think I am, I can’t seem to save a little out of the rather small monthly federal allowance I am receiving as a Corps Member. I wonder what would have happened if there was a cinema in Osogbo. Actually I’m not really wondering, I know. I just hope that when it’s all over things work out for me and I find a steady means of employment so I can try again. I hope for a lot of things..

One last thing, if you’re reading this and you like to hashtag your instagram pictures like an obnoxious robot, please stop, it’s quite annoying.

I’m hungry now so I’m just going to…go ahead and stop this madness. 

Cauliflower

P.s.: This post is really a silly and maybe childish yet expressive rant, it won’t benefit or enlighten you in any way. You won’t gain any new insights by digesting the contents of this post, but then again, that can be said about most of the stuff y’all read anyway.

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I’m having one of my sad sorrowful depressing nights. They have been frequent of recent. It’s probably because of some issues I’m meant to resolve but I guess I am not up to it yet. I might talk about them later in this post. By tomorrow I should feel a little better, especially since I don’t have to leave the house early to go “work”, which is depressing itself. The extra sleep and time to daydream in the comfort of my bed is quite soothing to my “tumultuous” soul.

I thought writing (or in this case typing, obviously) my thoughts might be therapeutic. So here I am, trying it. The title “Cauliflower” is just a nice name for a flower, and it has nothing to do with anything I am currently writing; it’s arbitrary. It’s my blog and I can give a post in it whatever shitty unrelated title I think it deserves.

In some way my life is devoid of direction. I’m doing stuff, but not with the determinative strength, power and passion of someone that has a goal he/she is sure of and he/she is satisfied with. I don’t think I have found my niche, a place I belong or something I belong with. When you wallow like this in doubt and confusion you tend to live a lot with a feeling that something might be missing in your life.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I have no such plans. I’m not even sure anymore if I am doing the right set of things now. If I’m not sure of that, how can I be sure of what I want to do in the future? The sad thing is this is one of the most important questions one can ask himself, that is if you don’t want to settle in mediocrity. I know I want to be great in some way, to really make a difference and leave a mark my children and their children will be proud of. But how? In What? What the heck am I doing? I told you this post would be useless.

Also, I feel very alone these days. I don’t have anyone to really talk to, the kind of discussion in which I would be able to completely express myself and feel much better for that. The person I would be talking to would get it, gosh that would be nice. I suck at making friends. I really find it hard to put myself out there. Maybe if I could reach out to someone, the person could make things clear in my head. Just maybe. Who am I kidding, only I can make things clear in my head. Who cares?

 

Ah, I feel better already J

 

Purpose

I’m not sure there’s anything that feels as hollow as a purposeless life. I may not be in the best position to say this, but I’m sure I can imagine. A lot of times I have lost myself in thoughts about what life really means and why we are here living. Someone really popular died yesterday, and someone tweeted this: “You got plans. You got dreams. You not even in control of d life! So wat life?? Wats the whole idea behind life?”. I really felt like I could place myself in this person’s shoes because the Purpose of Life can be quite the enigma when you ponder about it. You begin to wonder if it’s all worth it. I like to think of it as a short recurrent bout of depression that’s common in a lot of us.

Now there’s something about me that I’m not entirely sure is common to everybody or is just an uncanny peculiarity. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you work and strive really hard for something, say for example when you were a kid and you really wanted a sweet or something, only to get it in the end and feel like it was all really worthless a cause? You may feel so empty and weird after it, you lick (or chew, I prefer chewing candy) the sweet, the taste lingers for a while and then disappears and then you’re wondering if that’s the end (LOOL). It may feel like you never had candy at all, what a waste! I feel that way about A LOT of things. I know a lot of people would say the memory of the whole experience makes it worth it, but what if that doesn’t cut it for me? What if I still feel really empty after it all, saddened by how ephemeral it was and I feel like I really haven’t achieved anything? I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but it’s just the way it is.

I guess this is my problem with many YOLO and “live fast” activists, “seize the day”. In my opinion, this is how they compensate for purposelessness, and I believe this compensation couldn’t be more unapt in practice. I believe as human beings we always yearn for something deep, even when we don’t know it. Using short-lived experiences to fill that void doesn’t really help the situation. The fast life can never bring true happiness in my opinion. No matter how much you seem to be enjoying it all, deep down, like really really deep down, there is a sadness that would slowly eat you up if it’s not taken care of. I guess maybe that’s why some people suffer mid-life crisis, but hey I’m just guessing! It’s kinda like avoiding a question or believing the answer to the question doesn’t exist while the fact that the question hasn’t been answered still surfaces in our thoughts sometimes, when we are reminded about it. You could play some music to distract yourself from the thought, but you can’t play music forever now can you?

So if living fast isn’t the solution, what is? I’m afraid that is an entire topic that I am not sure would be wise for me to delve in now. I believe that deep down (pardon my perceived excessive usage of this term ) we all know the answer to this question, many of us just brush it aside because it “doesn’t make sense” to us. Many are utterly confused, some simply refuse to open their minds, and I’m not sure anybody can help you do that if you aren’t ready to yourself. All I can say here is that I thought hard about it all and I have found the answer to it all, I have found purpose, and I SWEAR, it is THE BEST thing that can happen to anybody in this lifetime. If it’s something you are looking for, I hope you find it, it would do you a world of good. I wish you good luck and happy times ahead. Good night/day 🙂

M

How far? Reading this post automatically makes you ma niccur (and niccur-ess), so I can greet you with the blessed greeting of how far! You don chop? You dey alright? Ok!

So the thing is, I sorta quit writing stuff, or suspended it indefinitely (whichever fits better) for some reasons. But before I (totally) do that, I decided to challenge myself by writing about something that isn’t really my “territory”. Today I’m talking about ….marriage *looks left* *looks right*…*continues typing*. Most people have their opinions about this stuff, and since I own a blog (boss!), I get to write it somewhere. Here goes:

Things have changed. I know they have to, but it’s important to consider if they have changed for the better or for the worse. It’s common knowledge that the most righteous and God fearing generation was that of the prophet (PBUH), and after that things pretty much kept going down, just like he predicted. What’s to say things won’t get worse with our children, when we their parents don’t even care *sigh*. Anyway that’s a topic for another day. Lemme continue with *looks left* *looks right*..marriage .I have this picture in my head of how marriage was during the time of the prophet, based on the little I have read about it. This is an outline of how it looks like:

  • Man sees girl he fancies. Does CIA investigation about the girl. If he’s satisfied, meets the parents of the girl and asks for her hand in marriage. From what I heard, he may not even talk to the girl before all this…I think we know that really can’t work today.
  • Like the prophet prescribed, the major criterion for marriage was a person’s deen and level of faith. Basically this refers to how religious he/she is. So before stuff like money comes up, or how much of a fine boy/girl the potential spouse is, the first thing to consider is religion.
  • The prophet’s first wife, Khadijah, proposed to him. She did this because he had such a beautiful personality. I know nobody can be like the prophet, and it would be awkward for any lady to propose to a guy now, but my point is clear enough. It’s not a terrible thing to act first if he is at least worth it and you are doing it for the sake of Allah. It is also noteworthy that Khadijah was older than the prophet, by 15 years. nuf said..
  • The muslims back then had so much trust in Allah. This is why you won’t see ‘em searching for the richest individual, while paying no attention to pious people that may not be as buoyant as the former. It was their belief that Allah would always provide, because He (SWT) promised so.
  • There are plenty other colours and features I cannot add. But you should get the picture. These were people that placed Allah first in whatever they did.

What may have gone wrong?

Now while this may be obvious already based on the short list above, I think it’s fair that I comment on it a bit. In my opinion, the major thing that has gone wrong is the fact that things got too complicated. The requirements became more complex. The standards became higher. We started to want too much. I’m not going to lay blame on one gender, because while we say stuff like “Girls are too materialistic”, and “They want too much”, we should also point to the fact that guys also became too demanding, of the girls that have the biggest….or the fattest….or the prettiest face. We are all to blame. Everybody wants “the good stuff”, but why consider that at the expense of what truly matters, what Allah wants, what the noble  prophet prescribed for us? I’ll tell you why. Because our iman has dropped. Because we don’t really fear Allah as we ought to anymore. Because we’ve put this life ahead of what truly matters. We can’t remind ourselves enough how messed up doing that is. *sigh*…The fact is, when we are asked what we want in a husband/wife, the chief requirement that crowns everything is that the person should be a good spouse…a good husband…a good wife. What we fail to realize is the fact that the one who fears Allah most and is most pious perfectly encapsulates the qualities that makes one a good partner, so wetin con remain?

At this point, I think I want to add an addendum. I want to talk about muslims marrying Christians and vice – versa. Guys, this is crazy (and very myopic)! I just don’t understand the need to marry anyone that doesn’t worship Allah the way we do, it’s our way of life! The thing bores down to our lack of faith. Why marry a Christian girl when there are pleeeennnntttttyyyy beautiful muslim sisters and good brothers out there, that would very much compliment us as muslims. That we can raise a happy muslim family with. It’s very….uncool, and is just a recipe for future disaster. I have heard many stories of how many of these unions have turned out eventually. May Allah help us.

There’s plenty more that I can talk about, but at this point I am going to give it a rest, I’m no marriage counselor. If you can, kindly drop a comment…or something. Sayonara.