Cauliflower

P.s.: This post is really a silly and maybe childish yet expressive rant, it won’t benefit or enlighten you in any way. You won’t gain any new insights by digesting the contents of this post, but then again, that can be said about most of the stuff y’all read anyway.

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I’m having one of my sad sorrowful depressing nights. They have been frequent of recent. It’s probably because of some issues I’m meant to resolve but I guess I am not up to it yet. I might talk about them later in this post. By tomorrow I should feel a little better, especially since I don’t have to leave the house early to go “work”, which is depressing itself. The extra sleep and time to daydream in the comfort of my bed is quite soothing to my “tumultuous” soul.

I thought writing (or in this case typing, obviously) my thoughts might be therapeutic. So here I am, trying it. The title “Cauliflower” is just a nice name for a flower, and it has nothing to do with anything I am currently writing; it’s arbitrary. It’s my blog and I can give a post in it whatever shitty unrelated title I think it deserves.

In some way my life is devoid of direction. I’m doing stuff, but not with the determinative strength, power and passion of someone that has a goal he/she is sure of and he/she is satisfied with. I don’t think I have found my niche, a place I belong or something I belong with. When you wallow like this in doubt and confusion you tend to live a lot with a feeling that something might be missing in your life.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I have no such plans. I’m not even sure anymore if I am doing the right set of things now. If I’m not sure of that, how can I be sure of what I want to do in the future? The sad thing is this is one of the most important questions one can ask himself, that is if you don’t want to settle in mediocrity. I know I want to be great in some way, to really make a difference and leave a mark my children and their children will be proud of. But how? In What? What the heck am I doing? I told you this post would be useless.

Also, I feel very alone these days. I don’t have anyone to really talk to, the kind of discussion in which I would be able to completely express myself and feel much better for that. The person I would be talking to would get it, gosh that would be nice. I suck at making friends. I really find it hard to put myself out there. Maybe if I could reach out to someone, the person could make things clear in my head. Just maybe. Who am I kidding, only I can make things clear in my head. Who cares?

 

Ah, I feel better already J